we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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