Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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