I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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