oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
