I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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