smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
