Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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