you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
