I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
