we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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