My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
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If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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