Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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