stop calling my apartment porn island.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
