btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As shirtless as possible
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
