i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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