I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
