I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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