Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning