1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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