I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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