That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
