god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
