How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
