life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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