wakey wakey hands off snakey
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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