I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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