So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
