Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
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Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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