saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
