Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Watching her eat just hurts me
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
