wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
