Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
