I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
