I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
This toilet bowl is my home.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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