Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We had to coat check the pizza.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
