The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
