the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
