apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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