yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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