Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
