Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
