if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
