Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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