One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
