Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
