Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
