Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
