The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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