ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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