I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
