i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
