i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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