Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
