A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
