I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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